she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
