You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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