the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
