Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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