I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
