so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
