just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize