In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
