just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
