I will die if light touches me.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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