grandma shit on top of the toilet
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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