Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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