Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
