I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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