If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
