No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
