I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
this is an emotional support booty call
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
