I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
