i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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