every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
