I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
