The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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