someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
