I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize