In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize