Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
