Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
