I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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