anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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