I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize