my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
