I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
high people should be assigned attendants
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
