I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
