Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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