woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
