There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
