We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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