one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
