Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
