Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
this hospital has no fireball
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
