Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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