As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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