You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
