look no pants
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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