Kiss
Puke
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
