my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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