Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
