I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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