Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
