glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
