i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
