i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
