Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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