Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
