I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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