Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
