God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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